Yet another sad day for journalism today; Rocky Mountain News is closed. This is an award-winning newspaper with a circulation of 300,000 or so that was founded in 1859. Sad hardly begins to describe it. So I offer what I hope is a mildly amusing distraction.

Here’s a letter I wrote a couple weeks ago to my old bank in Columbia, Mo. I haven’t heard from anyone at the bank, but I can no longer sign on to my online account, so I assume we’re square:

First National Bank and Trust Company
Attn: Mail Teller
Columbia, MO 65205-1867

Hey dude,

We’ve had a good run, but I think we both know it’s time for each of us to go our separate ways.

Your latest letter, dated 1/26/09, took me by quite a surprise. Oh no, I thought, who has hijacked the lasting spark in our long-dormant partnership? Inquiry upon the internets revealed unto me that a feisty young whippersnapper of a car insurance company had taken what it felt it was due, using – yes, you guessed it – our star-crossed relationship as leverage. So easy a caveman can do it? Well, then, somewhere along the line I’ve devolved into homo erectus tendencies, and am no longer worthy of carrying our shared digits in my back pocket.

So take the enclosed as a hearty farewell – a settling of the score, as it were, for you and Grant Smith account XXXXXXXX.

In addition, I’ve moved on, geographically speaking, and long-distance relationships such as ours hardly ever work out. I hope this gives you closure, and delivers no mixed signals. Let us end this charade, and be better for it.

Your friend,

Grant Smith